mardi 22 août 2017

Ne vous focalisez pas sur leurs problèmes - Don't interview for pain

Je voulais partager avec vous cet article qui vient de ce blog: https://www.mother.ly/child/5-parenting-lessons-i-learned-as-a-montessori-teacher#close

"Children are perceptive. Children want your attention. They will quickly figure out what gets the most attention from you and do more of that thing.


If you ask your child about their day and then focus in on the one negative thing they’ve mentioned and proceed to question them about it for the next half hour and comfort them (even if they weren’t upset about it to begin with…), they will quickly learn to bring up more negative things. Whether or not anything bad has happened. A little disagreement they had with a friend becomes a huge drama where they were the victim. This is not to say your child will lie, but that the way they view what happened will change.
How you see the world impacts how they see the world. Parents do this because they want to make sure their children are OK and are taken care of. Of course it’s a parent’s job to be their child’s advocate and protector. But if you have a big reaction every time your child mentions anything “bad” happening, they will likely begin focusing on these interactions, and becoming more upset over them."
Fifty-four years ago, my older sister Becky attended her first day of Kindergarten. At the end of the day, my mother picked her up and started a critical conversation. While she was driving, she asked some questions:
“How was your day?”
“Fine.” 
“How was your teacher?”
“She is so nice! She is funny too!” 
“Did you make any friends?” 
“Yes. Linda and Susie are really fun.” 
“Did anything interesting happen?” 
“Well...Billy Compton pushed me down in the playground.” 
Stopping the car, my mom turned to my sister and responded, “He did what?!? I cannot believe that. You poor thing! Are you okay? Did you tell the teacher? I wonder if I should talk to his mom.” 
The next day, Mother picked Becky up again. This time, Mother did not even need to ask any questions. 
“Mom, you won’t believe what Billy Compton did today! He called me names and pulled my hair!”  She then waited for my mother’s reaction. 
In that moment, she did something that I personally find extraordinary. She turned to Becky and said, “Oh that Billy Compton is just a silly boy.” Smiling wide and giving her undivided attention, she then added, “Tell me about your teacher. You said she is nice and funny. That sounds like a perfect teacher. You are so lucky. Tell me what makes her nice.” 
My sister was a little surprised at first, but she quickly redirected her attention to the topic of her new favorite teacher. After five minutes of excited explanation, Mother shifted to a new topic, “Did you have fun with Linda and Susie today? Tell me everything that you did together.” 
For 15 minutes, Mom interviewed Becky about the positive aspects of her day. 
She shared this story with me when my wife and I had our first children. She then added an explanation.  
“When I reacted so strongly to the story about Billy, I was telling Becky what stories mattered to me. Those stories would become the definition of her experience at school. I glossed over the good aspects of her day and honed onto the 15 seconds that were unpleasant. By the next day, she could not wait to regale me with new tales of Billy. If I wanted her to see kindergarten as positive, I needed to help direct her attention to the positive aspects.” 
“But did you worry that she would think you did not care about her troubles? Isn’t it important for your child to know that you are 'there for her’?” 
“Of course I was there for her, but I do not have to prove that every moment of every day. By diminishing the importance of Billy, I was helping make Becky stronger. If Billy had been truly cruel, she would not have been so easy to redirect to positive topics. “  
Parents deeply want to be available to their children. They worry that their children might not feel listened to or supported. Empathy and support are important parental skills, but so is emotional leadership."
As I was reading Best Friends, Worst Enemies, I was particularly struck by Thompson’s warning against “interviewing for pain.”
He describes a situation where your child complains about another child’s behavior, and then every day, when your child returns from school, you ask, “So, honey, was Pat mean to you today?”
Thompson points out that children are quick to realize that bad stories about Pat will be a good way to get your attention, and that they may seek to satisfy you, and present the facts in the most attention-grabbing way. Also, Thompson writes,
“I believe that we live the story we tell ourselves–and others–about the life we’re leading…If you constantly interview your child for pain, your child may begin to hear a story of social suffering emerge from her own mouth. Soon she will begin to believe it and will see herself as a victim….
“Please understand that I am not advising you to disbelieve our children, nor am I saying that you should not be empathic…But…don’t interview for pain, don’t nurture resentments, and don’t hold on to ancient history. Kids don’t.”
And although Thompson doesn’t make this point, it also seems to me that by asking this question, we focus a child’s attention on that part of the day. Instead of thinking about the happy interactions that took place, the child tries to remember painful interactions.
Si vous faites ça, vous victimisez votre enfant ....et vous stigmatiser un autre! Ce petit Billy.
Ce sont des enfants. Ils ont tous des qualités et des défauts. Aucun enfant (ni adulte) n'est parfait. Nous avons tous quelque chose à travailler. Je crois que la différence c'est qu'il n'y a pas d'enfant méchant. Lorsqu'un comportement nous parait difficile, c'est un appel à l'aide. Il faut partir du postulat qu'un enfant veut faire plaisir à ses parents, veut bien faire et que s'il ne peut pas, cela le rend malheureux.
Depuis que je m'occupe d'enfants, je n'ai jamais vu un conflit où une seule personne était responsable. Il y a toujours une part de responsabilité de la part de tous les intervenants. (C'est la même chose dans tous les conflits, même ceux parents-enfants ou les divorces et je me mets dans le lot.) C'est pour cela que les meetings sont si importants et qu'ils font partis de la vie de la classe. A chaque fois, que nous voyons un conflit, nous nous asseyons. Nous demandons à chacun d'expliquer son point de vue sans couper la parole à l'autre puis nous demandons: Comment cela aurait pu être évité? Ce que chacun aurait pu faire de mieux pour ne pas en arriver là? Comment il serait possible de réparer? 
Former un couple avec deux personnes n'est pas chose évidente donc former une classe respectueuse de toutes les personnalités n'est pas chose évidente non plus même avec l'aide des médiateurs/éducateurs mais heureusement les enfants ne sont pas figés comme les adultes. Ils apprennent vites, très vites et en 6 mois peuvent se transformer.